I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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