Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
