I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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