even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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