Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
