If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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