I smell stomach acid.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
