If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dignity is for republicans.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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