He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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