Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
