i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
