mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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