I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
