the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
