i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
