You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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