Betty ford says i'm here all night
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
