I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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