i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
