The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
