Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
