just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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