My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
