Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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