Just mADE A PArabola og urine
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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