Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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