john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
