New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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