Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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