I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
