i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
