How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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