He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
