I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
