So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
