it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
