i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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