Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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