The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
