There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
