Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
