There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
