I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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