I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
