good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
