That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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