As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
