I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
