nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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