i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
