I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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