Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
