Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
